She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
