What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
