It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
