I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
