if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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