My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
