ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
