My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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