meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
