The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
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I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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