Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
