i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
