Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
