Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
