I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
