Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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