I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
