why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
