pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
