when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
