There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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