I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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