I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
