Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
