i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
