Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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