I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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