chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
