My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
