would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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