I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
