It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
