I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
