I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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