I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
