I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
