I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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