i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
