it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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