when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
