how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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