mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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