Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
