If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
