that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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