I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
