You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
