There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
