He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
