Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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