remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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