Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is Oprah even human
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
