I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
