So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
