I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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