one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
