I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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