every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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