i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
