i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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